When porn creeps in your relationship

Your partner's 'harmless' viewing habits can jeopardise your relationship, but throwing a fit without understanding will do no good either. Dr Rajan Bhonsle clears the doubts Many think pornography has no ill effects. However, research has proved that pornography can shape attitudes and encourage behaviour that harms individuals and families. Because it is often viewed in secrecy, it creates deception in marriage, often leading to divorce. Moreover, pornography promotes the allure of adultery, prostitution and unrealistic expectations that lead to dangerous promiscuous behaviour. Where's the love? Some believe that if you aren't turned on by your partner, it is okay to fantasise about someone else while having sex or watching porn. While it may help superficially, the risks run deeper. You may feel excited while being 'with' your partner but not 'by' him/her. There will be sex, but no love and the former is a great barometer to know the relationship's well-being. Turning to porn for excitement when there is an option of physical intimacy is a sign of sexual immaturity. Don't live in denial that it's for 'fun'. For such a person, sex might only be skin-deep. Stimulant factor Many people rely on pornography for stimulation. This is because they spend so much energy numbing themselves that they cannot 'feel' unless given a large and strong stimulation. Everyday, sex counselors come across many cases of sexual problems and resentments stemming from the use of porn. The ugly side Porn is a special class of 'sex addiction' that's distinct from promiscuity, compulsive masturbation, anonymous sex, paedophilia, fetishes, voyeurism etc. It can best be described as an obsessive relationship with a fantasy. For many, porn simply adds to their otherwise sexually addictive behaviour. Pornography, like any other sex addiction, becomes the user's fix. The user becomes so enraptured, that he ends up destroying perfectly good relationships by spending hours (sometimes days) surfing porn and wasting money on it. The stages Dr Victor Cline, researcher and psychology professor, found a fourstep progression among many who consume pornography. Addiction: A strong aphrodisiac effect, followed by sexual release, mostly via masturbation. Escalation: Over time, addicts require more explicit and deviant material to meet sexual 'needs'. Desensitisation: What was first perceived as gross, shocking and disturbing, in time becomes common and acceptable. Acting out sexually: An increased tendency to act out behaviours that one views in pornography. Where does it begin? Some therapists say that pornography is simply an excuse to justify lack of control and unwillingness to conform to acceptable norms. Other shrinks maintain that it is a 'compulsive behaviour' that has its roots in early childhood and can afflict both males and females. It is believed that people who suffer from this disorder often come from 'dysfunctional families'. There is evidence that a high percentage of people who experience the need to have a continuous compulsive urge to watch pornography, were physically or emotionally abused as children. Porn and the community The general content of pornography supports abuse and rape (supported by the myth that women enjoy forceful sex) and serves as a how-to for sex crimes. For example, in America, in the Phoenix neighborhoods where 'adult' businesses were located, the number of sex offenses was 506 per cent greater than in areas without such businesses. Dr Mary Anne Layden, director of education, University of Pennsylvania Health System pointed out, "In the 13 years of her treating sexual violence victims and perpetrators, I have not treated a single case that did not involve porn." 'I' before 'You' External stimulations are necessary when sex is merely a physical activity. The lack of love cannot be blamed on any one. In such a case, both partners need to examine their relationship, either individually or with a counsellor. Very often, wives look down upon the husband and engage in a blame game. However, it is best to ask oneself, 'What can 'I' do to bring more depth into my relationship and turn in into something that involves more than sex?'