'I never liked my eldest daughter'

Jennifer Rabiner admits never loving her child London - Arabstoday For most mothers, the love they have for their child is unconditional. And if that wasn't the case, few would dare admit it. Which perhaps explains why a woman breaking that social taboo has chosen to write under a pseudonym. In an article published today in the latest issue of REDBOOK, the mother-of-two, who calls herself Jennifer Rabiner, confesses how she has never been able to love her eldest child. She admits that she struggled to bond with the little girl, who she names as Sophie in the piece, from day one.  Describing the child as 'skinny and weak', she reveals how Sophie was withdrawn and anxious. She writes: 'She nursed poorly, and she cried so hard that she vomited - daily. As a toddler, she was strange. She wouldn't make eye contact, and she'd scream bloody murder at the sound of ripping paper... She couldn't - or wouldn't - answer direct questions. She didn't make friends.' Mrs Rabiner's first response was guilt- she felt that she had been rejected by her own child, and she had failed at creating 'the magic mother-daughter bond' she had been led to expect. But when her second daughter, who she calls Lilah, was born, she says she was 'blown away by overwhelming Mommy Love'. She admits that despite efforts to be a fair and kind parent to both, she couldn't help but compare Sophie unfavourably. 'Lilah was exactly the baby I'd envisioned: strong and healthy, with a penetrating gaze. She nursed vigorously and smiled and laughed easily. She talked early and often and, even as a toddler, befriended everyone she met. 'When I hugged her, she squeezed back hard, and I felt my own heart beating in two bodies at once.' She continued: 'It got to the point where I viewed Sophie's every move through a lens of failure... I knew I was being hard on her, but I couldn't seem to stop.' Mrs Rabiner did wonder if there was in fact a medical problem with Sophie, considering autism or a neurological disorder, but there was no evidence of this. Her husband, who she says had bonded well with Sophie, accused her of searching for a diagnosis that didn't exist. '[He] has always loved and cherished Sophie for who she is,' she wrote. 'Instead of gritting his teeth through her most eccentric behaviors, he imitates them in an exaggerated way, which makes her howl with laughter... I envy his ease with her.' Mrs Rabiner was forced to face up to her feelings about Sophie  - 'if I looked at my behavior objectively, it was disgusting' - and once she had admitted the guilty secret to her friends, it became a problem she could begin to resolve. But it wasn't without some tough love: 'My friend turned to me and said point-blank: "You are Sophie's mother. You're supposed to be her rock - the person she can count on most in the world... It doesn't matter if you like her or not; you still have to support her."' This, slowly but surely, and with the help of a child psychologist, was the start of a mother-daughter relationship. But it transpired that there was indeed a problem with Sophie's development. The family's paediatrician discovered that due to a growth hormone deficiency, the then seven-year-old's speech, motor and social skills were three years behind. What's more, it was a condition that was treatable with nightly hormone injections. Mrs Rabiner admitted: 'I instantly regretted scads of horrible things I'd said to her over the years and prayed that the damage wasn't irreparable. What a wake-up call. As the diagnosis sank in, I found myself feeling more tender, more motherly toward Sophie.' Now Sophie is nine, and thriving: '[She] competes on the local gymnastics team, aces her spelling tests, goes on loads of playdates... She makes eye contact and answers direct questions.' But her mother still feels guilt about their past troubles. She revealed: 'I watch her sometimes, looking for clues of the emotional scarring I fear I've inflicted, but I see none.' Mrs Rabiner's husband added: 'She’s a good mom. Try as she might, Jenny couldn't "fix" Sophie, and I think that scared her. 'The search to find something wrong was her quest for an instruction booklet.'   From The Daily Mail